Duo's Instant Messanging Pranks
by CrazySocialist
Summary: A collection of Duo's transcripts from the wild and crazy world of Instant Messanging! Note: There will be more pranks to come.
1. Duo vs l33t C0unter5trike6776

**Duo's Instant Messanging Pranks**

Author's Note: I wrote this for no other reason than to make a silly, nonsensical joke and in the process perhaps solicit a few laughs from readers.

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the television show "Gundam Wing" or the rights to the character of "Duo Maxwell". I do own the rights to any mentally invalid character created withing, however. Also, keep in mind that the opinions of Duo Maxwell do not necessarily mirror mine.

This story is rated R for strong language

Yes, I admit it. I despise all shitbricks out there who randomly IM me with the sole purpose of annoying the hell out of me. The just lay into me with their inane banterings like an escaped tsunami of elephant semen from the elephant insemination clinic. Yup. I hate them that much. So when the do make the mistake of filling my computer screen with weevil infested cow manure, I take the time to play on their infinite stupidity caused by years of mating within the same gene pool.

**Duo vs. C0unter5trike6776**

This first prank came to me one day when some guy named "l33t C0unter5trike6776"  messaged me for some reason. It seemed this dumbfuck was a Counterstrike player so I decided to act just as much a fucking illiterate monkey as he was. These dumbasses will believe anything you tell them. This guy sort of reminded me of that asshole Heero. All the prick does now is play counterstrike.

l33t C0unter5trike6776: do u play counterstrike

Duo: wha? N0 i play QUAEK turb0!

l33t C0unter5trike6776: quake i play quake 2

Duo: n0! not quaek 2 quake turb0!

l33t C0unter5trike6776: wat quake turbo???

Duo: it gam were u play as a b1g rat and fire ur rapid fire cheez railgoon at evil c4T!11!

Duo: den u taek a big water cannon and douse the eval boss cat king cattius with water. cats hate watter hahahaha lololol rofl

l33t C0unter5trike6776:  lol can i get this game?

Duo: ya jus go to dis websaet ya www.analsex.com has it its in a link at the bottom of the site.

l33t C0unter5trike6776: hay thats a porn site!

Duo: no its not I don now wat da hell u talking here try this sawt: www.footfetish.com 

l33t C0unter5trike6776: okay. hay that's another weird site u homo give me the real site

Duo: okeay fine i give u real site right now www.gundamwingnude.com 

l33t C0unter5trike6776: what the fuck is ur problem i just asked for that game???

Duo: well i don now y yoo cant find it u must bee st00pid or sompin.

l33t C0unter5trike6776: well ur a fag

Duo: hav u seen da new counterstrake movie?

l33t C0unter5trike6776: wat there is no counterstrike movie u idiot

Duo:  Yeas der is i downloaded it on my superexcafabulisticexpialadocius T1000 line at 3675266565254365 megabits an hour.

l33t C0unter5trike6776: ur just fooling again u fag aren't u?

Duo: nono 4 serius its staring burt Reynolds and dat guy from happy daes dat waers dat jacket u no da 1.

l33t C0unter5trike6776: wat it about?

Duo: it about some evil guy named dr. kraken who steals the us superweapon called "operation wedgie" and threatens da world with it. So bort renalds teams up with dat guy in the jacket along with spider man and hulk an the green lantern to fire a gatorade ray to knockout 'operaten wedgey'!!

l33t C0unter5trike6776: were can i dl?

Duo: www.farmsex.com. 

l33t C0unter5trike6776: dats it ur a fuckin liar u fag!!!!

Duo: i didn't lie u just 2 dumb 2 find link u st00pid u da fag0t

l33t C0unter5trike6776: fuck u i should kick ur ass but ur going on ignore hear that?

Duo: Hello, welcome to ICQ

l33t C0unter5trike6776: fuCk you fag!

Duo: JEEZAS LUVS U!!!!!111!!


	2. Duo vs a juggalo

Duo vs a juggalo

Duo's back with another instance of internet debauchery for all of you to enjoy! Now, it's certainly okay to be a fan of a band, hell, I'm a big Sinatra fan myself. But one certainly shouldn't dedicate their entire way of life to one band. Apparently, those who call themselves "juggalos" do. To make matters worse, they choose a bunch of stupid fucking rapping clowns who paint their faces. To make matters even worse than that they don't even come up with any intelligent way to defend their band. Instead, they come off as a bunch of raving fucknuggets who talk in ebonics.

These idiots are even worse than that cocksucker Wufei who sold me a fake Rolex so I had to hunt him down and bash his stupid fucking face in with a croquet mallet.

Anyway, the following is an encounter with one of these aforementioned lowlifes.

And by the way, if any "jugglos" out there are mad because I insulted their "following", feel free to suck Quatre's dick while fisting yourself with some red hot garden shears.

Duo: Hello, welcome to ICQ!

juGGaL0: Yo waz up in da hizzhouse bizznatch!?!

Duo: What the fuck was that?

juGGaL0: Yo it coo man i wad jus askin you wat up yo dawg holla!

Duo: O ya yo wazzup homes pimpy B southsida!

juGGaL0: ya muthafuckaz yo hows it hangingz gangstaz max???

Duo: ya da usual fuckin mah bitchez, smoking a leaf, playin my dopez mp3z you know? Biznatziath?

juGGaL0: coo coo aight! I juz layin back relaxinz downinz a 40z u know?

Duo: ya dope tight muthafuckaz bizatatziatc!1!!

juGGaL0: hay r u downz wit da clownz?

Duo: ya I'z iz a clownz yo holla!

juGGaL0: no I'z waz askinz uz if u waz down wit da clownz not iz a clown! u know da ICP an da juggaloz

Duo: no I'z aintz no juggaloz i da best rappin clown dis side of  da space colony holla bizzotch!!!

juGGaL0: WTF u talking bout fooz u aint no rappaz

Duo: Yaz I'z iz man I called "Pimpy Clown Red" and been rappinz for like evaz bizznot!!

juGGaL0: fuck u u just a rip of wannabez of da clownz man u just a juggaho fuck u fagget

Duo: Da fuck u talkin ho i beenz rappin on da boardwalk sinz da year 1906 way before da clownz started ahz the one whoz invented da rappz ya know holla!

juGGaL0: fuck u u didnt invent da rappz i don't know who did but da ICP made it cool bitchz!

Duo: Ahz made rapz cool way before u or yo momma was even born. i would rapz for dem and dey would throw nickels in mah hat yoz bittchinotch!

juGGaL0: u just lie cuz u a wannabez wit no skillz liek da clownz u liez

Duo: fuckz uz I dont lie i even have mah own record label pimp!

juGGaL0: oh ya wat iz it?

Duo: Yo it called "Def Clownz Circuz Records" yo

juGGaL0: prove it ho

Duo: www.goatse.cx ya go therez datz da linkz holla!

juGGaL0: FUCK U MAN DATS SICK U SICK FUCKIN FAGGIT ILL ME AND DA JUGGALOZ WILL KICK UR ASS!

Duo: no wahz manz me and my fellow circuz freakz will cutz ur cock off and pickle it in brine yo hollaz bitzatchiatch!11!

juGGaL0: FUCK U IF I EVER SEE U I'M GONNA FUCK U UP SO HARD!

Duo: what? u gonna fuck me so hard? I thought you said you were kill me? Just be careful, I tend to bleed a lot.

juGGaL0: FUCK YOU FAGOT I GONNA TELL MY FRIENDS ABOUT YOU!!! AND WE GONNA FUCK U UP!

Duo: Hello, welcome to ICQ!


	3. Duo vs Mr Pornography

Duo vs. Mr. Pornography

Duo here with another wacky desktop adventure live from my kitchen table. Yeah, I have my computer on my kitchen table mainly because I'm too goddamned lazy to clean the beer bottles, hypodermic needles, and used condoms off my real computer desk. I asked that fucking cuntdick Trowa to help me clean it up but he only stabbed me in the thigh with a letter opener and ran off with my wallet. He won't feel so cocky when I plant my nine iron up his ass.

Anyway, onto the topic. Now, don't get me wrong but I love pornography as much as the next guy. I mean, who doesn't like jacking off to images of hentai tentacle beasts raping young girls as well as 70's porn gangbangs complete with funky music? I mean, yes, I love all of that stuff. However, what I utterly despise is any internet shitlick who tries to sell me some fucking stupid porn site with only 3 pictures old ladies and an animated GIF of two ugly people fucking. Ugh. So anyhow, I decided to prank this cocksock by pretending I was a young girl ripe for his voyeur porn directing or whatever the fuck he wanted to do.

Anyhow, I'd like to now introduce you to an even greater pervert than yours truly.

Oh, by the way, if you are offended by intense discussions of sexual deviance then feel free to fuck off. Now.

Mr. Pornography: Hi what's your asl?

Duo: Hello, welcome to ICQ!

Mr. Pornography: what?

Duo: oh sorry!!!!!!! -_-; _

Mr. Pornography: what is your asl???

Duo: oh!! ^_^ I am 18/F/spacecoloy LV426 0_0!@!

Mr. Pornography: Oh so you're a girl?

Duo:  oh of course ^_-

Mr. Pornography: cool…

Mr. Pornography: so what do you look like?

Duo: I'm 5'4 blue eyes blond hair size 36DDDDDDDDDD breasts!_! how about u??? _

Mr. Pornography: I have a pic on my site want to see?

Duo: sure!!!!! ^_^

Mr. Pornography: ted to get bored of this cocksucker, so I decided to end it here with a gross out)

Duo: go ahead hunny!!!! ^_-

Mr. Pornography: are you tight? you know, your pussy?

Duo: i don't know, i once stuck a watermelon up there with no problem? is that too tight? oh and also one time my friend stuck her head up my pussy and found some keys that i lost up there go figure eh?

Mr. Pornography: ??????

Duo: oh ya and I've been fucked up the ass so many times my asshole is loose I can stretch it like the goatse guy and I have to wear diapers cause I cant control my shitting you know what I mean?

Mr. Pornography: fuck you that's sick shit!

Duo: Hello, welcome to ICQ!

Anyway, goes to show that if a twig had enough intelligence to use the internet a bunch of fucking oily 46 year old men would be all over it thinking it was an 18 year old Texas beauty queen.

Stay tuned for another adventure in internet stupidity! 0_0 ^_^


	4. Duo vs Heero

Duo vs. Heero

Hello everyone! Guess who's back with another tale of Internet debauchery? Yeah that's right. Except this time it's slightly different. This time that atomic cocksucker Heero had the goddamn gall enough to IM me and fill my computer screen with inflated head bullshit about how a bunch of anime obsessed fucktards write more fan fictions about him than about me! Well excuse me Mr. John Q. Pricksalot! That's not exactly something I can control. I can't help that a bunch of disillusioned shitwads write more about him than me. I asked Quatre who was the better of us, and he said Heero, because, and I quote "You are a vile, foulmouthed sex pervert." Sex pervert? Where the fuck does he get off saying that. Sure, I like to molest hookers on a daily basis, but that doesn't make me bad does it?

Quatre's snide comment left me with little recourse. After converting that blond boy-toy's face into hamburger meat with a crowbar, I went to my computer screen to write this. I swear, if I hear one more person say Heero is "kawaii" I will personally rip out their spine with a corkscrew!

Heero: hey duo!

Duo: What the fuck do you want?

Heero: oh just writing to tell you that I got some major pussy tonight

Duo: Your mother doesn't count, fucknugget.

Heero: No, dipshit, from my legions of female fans! I can have any girl I want.

Duo: Oh I get it, the whole fan fiction thing.

Heero: Yeah. People just seem to like writing about me more than you. It must have a lot to do with that dumbass faggot ponytail you wear.

Duo: Alright prickstick, you somehow have the gall to call me a faggot, yet wear a pair of the stupidest fucking biker shorts I have rather seem. I mean, they practically scream "violate me please!" to all the do-rag wearing Big Sals out there esay.

Heero: Poor Duo, you're just jealous of all the action I'm getting.

Duo: I'm about to get some action in a minute, when I come over there, gouge out your eyes with a spoon, and proceed to skull fuck you you sack of fetid dildos.

Heero: I'd like to see you try that, shitfuck. I'd pound you into chalk.

Duo: we'll see about that you raving lizardfuck omelet eater.

Heero: HAHA… Fag

Duo: Hey Heero, you like hot girls don't you?

Heero: Yeah, the kind you'll never get…ROFL Faggot.

Duo: well, take a look at this one: www.goatse.cx

Heero: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT YOU FUCKING SHITTARD???

Duo: Just a picture of what happened to that last piece of man meat of yours…after you were done of course.

Heero: THAT'S IT MOTHERFUCKER I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP

Duo: I really don't see the fascination with other men when it comes to fucking me. Seriously Heero, if you can get that many women surely you don't need me.

Heero: FUCK U FAGOT

Duo: A homophobe now are we? That must mean you are homosexual after all! I bet your just jerking off too much. You know, Dr. Kellogg recommended circumcision without anesthetic to cure someone of that.

Heero: YOUR DEAD SHITMEAT

Duo: Dead is so extreme isn't it Heero? I mean, an aunt of mine just died. Sad really.

Duo: Heero?

Duo: Heero?????

Duo: Hello, welcome to ICQ!


	5. Duo Vs Internet Fetishist 26728: The Fur...

**Duo Vs. Internet Fetishist #26728:**

**The Furry**

I know, I know, it's been a while since I've updated, but this Duo has something called a "life" you know. Yes, a life which consists mainly of whacking off to tentacle hentai and stealing garbage bags and Coleman lanterns from the local K-Mart. And if you're going to whine about it, feel free to shove an apple down your throat whole kicking yourself in the ass repeatedly.

Anyway, this one time I was going to pillage my local K-Mart and I noticed something in the adjacent parking lot. There was a sign that proclaimed it was a "Furry Convention". Now, the first thing I thought was "What the fuck? A furry convention?" Then I saw that hogfuck Wufei dressed up in what looked to be a wolf costume or something. So I went over there to see what the hell he was doing. The first thing he said was "I'm a wolf." I knew what my duty was then. I went to K-Mart and stole a jumbo pack of Christmas lights, then kicked Wufei in the balls several times. I then proceeded to punch a whole through his lungs and string his furry ass off the nearest telephone pole I could find.

The point is is that furries are a sick, sick aberration to the human species. If you were born human, then you stay human. You shouldn't be going around like a fucking shitnugget proclaiming you're a "wolf" or a "fox" with the magical powers to fly or shape-shift or fart magical sleeping gas or some other dumbshit thing like that. If anyone of you sick fucks ever comes up to me with that shit I'll rearrange your face with a tennis racket.

Anyhow, the only thing worse than a furry is a "vore furry", who gets off on the idea of being an animal who is consumed alive by another animal. Frankly, I'd rather not masturbate to the idea of being eaten alive by a giant snake. But to each their sick twisted fucking own I guess. This shitloaf I talked to below subscribes to the "vore furry" lifestyle. Please allow me to vomit now.

Furry: HEY ASL???

Duo: Hello, welcome to ICQ!

Furry: ???

Duo: Oh sorry!

Furry: It's okay, what's up???

Duo: Oh, nothing. Just got back from the proctologist. Had to remove some blockage from my colon.

Furry: I see…

Duo: Yeah, I hate when they have to stick that camera all the way up there. Uncomfortable, you know what I mean?

Furry: Yeah…

Furry: Hey, do you like vore???

Duo: Yeah, I like gore! I once cut a guy to see his blood and guts and stuff. It was cool!

Furry: ???

Duo: Yo werd up my bizzitich!

Furry: Uh…yeah…anyway, are you a furry?

Duo: Yeah, I have plenty of fur on my ass if you know what I mean…

Furry: No! Do you like animal stuff.

Duo: Yeah, I sometimes like to dress up in skunk costume and have some bondage fun with my friends…spanking and cock sheathes could never get better!

Furry: Uh…cool…I myself prefer the wolf.

Duo: What the fuck you talking?! The skunk is way better! Wolves are a punch of pussy-ass bitches not fit to suck Heero's cock! Besides, I have a 15 inch dick!

Furry: Does the thought of being eaten alive turn you on?

Duo: By cannibals? Yeah man, I'd probably have the biggest fucking erection if cannibals started eating me!

Furry: No, I meant by other animals? Do you ever roleplay?

Duo: Yeah, I once tried roleplaying with some D&D group but they were more into lesbian orgies than anything. 

Furry: What about vore situations? 

Duo: Yeah, I thought being eaten by a giant ant would be cool.

Furry: Yeah, I've tried the turkey man thing before.

Duo: What the fuck is that?????????????

Furry: You know, when you get naked and someone dresses you up on a big platter. It's really erotic you should try it.

Duo: I would but someone might shove some foreign object up my ass! Like I said I just visited the proctologist! LOLOL!

Furry: ???

Duo: Ever tried being put in diapers?

Furry: What?

Duo: You know, someone putting you in a diaper and if you shit they'll clean it up and treat you like a baby?

Furry: That's sick shit, man….

Duo: I pity da foo who makes fun of mah diapers!

Furry: Whatever…

Duo: Want to see a good vore site?

Furry: Yeah

Duo: www.tubgirl.com

Furry: WTF!!!??? That's fucking sick you sick fag!

Duo: LOLOLZ pranked!

Duo: OMG WANNA FUCK SEXY!!?? ASL????????????

Furry: Fuck you you sick faggot fuck

Duo: Hello, welcome to ICQ!


	6. Duo vs The Lord of the Rings

Duo vs. Lord of the Rings

Hello, shitdicks! You're buddy Duo's back again for another shot at society's personified Ills! 

You know, there's nothing I hate more than movies that appeal to fat, zit faced fucktard teenage boys who raise their chubby arms in joy whenever one of the newest installments in any of the "faggot trilogies" come out. After seeing these movies these shitwipes retreat to their geek nests and talk about how "cool" those films are, when in reality they are the shittiest pieces of shit I've ever laid eyes on. "The Matrix", "Star Wars", "Lord of the Rings", all of them! Watching these films is about as fun as squirting a lemon-lime enema straight up your asshole, or about as thrilling as being gangbanged by 5 other guys in prison who all have been endowed with 12 inch cocks.

In fact, I want to go to the opening of "Return of the King" just to throw popcorn at the screen and continually moon the audience while screaming "I'M GANDALF THE GREY! HEY LADIES! WANT TO SEE MY MAGIC STAFF???"

It doesn't really matter how hard I try, because these greasy hogfucks will go onto online message boards with names like "Neo1234" and "fr0d0 B4gg1N5". That's enough to make baby Jesus fucking Christ cry! Here is my encounter with one such shitleaf.

Oh yeah, and if you like "Lord of the Rings" too fucking bad! If you don't like what I write go put your dick in a food processor. You probably wouldn't realize the greatness of "Manos: Hand of Fate" anyway…a REAL movie.

Duo: Hello, Welcome to ICQ!

L3g0laS: who r u?

Duo: Who am I? Who the fuck are you?

L3g0laS: I'm dave.

Duo: Dave? I think your lying! You're name says L3g0laS!

L3g0laS: That's my screen name.

Duo: Well no shit.

L3g0laS: Who r u?

Duo: Me? I'm the Marlboro man.

L3g0laS: Oh yea?

Duo: Yeah.

L3g0laS: I just got back from seeing return on the king

Duo: Oh yeah…wasn't that that movie where Hitler, Stalin and Hussein takes turns anally raping George Bush?

L3g0laS: what the fuck no. it's lord of the rings

Duo: I don't know about you buddy, but I don't know any "lord of the rings" I'm lord of MY rings!

L3g0laS: u know, that movie with the hobbits and all that? And Gandalf?

Duo: oh yea…I'm making my own version of "lord of the rings"

L3g0laS: whatever. No your not.

Duo: Yes, I am… It's an erotic version of Lord of the Rings!

L3g0laS: what the fuck is that?

Duo: Well, you know, I thought I'd start off with making Frodo Gandalf's bitch. I thought opening the movie with Frodo polishing Gandalf's knob is you catch my drift.

L3g0laS: wtf that's sick!!!!

Duo: Sick? No it's not! After that I thought that Frodo, Legolas, and Aragorn could have a nice homoerotic threesome where they rotate positions for "pitcher" and "catcher" if you know what I mean.

L3g0laS: what the fuck you're a sick fuck u fag!

Duo: More like genius! The reason Frodo and Sam are so close is because Frodo likes a little bit of the Sado Maso if you know what I mean.

L3g0laS: fuck u

Duo: What, don't you like to get tied up and spanked? I know I do!

L3g0laS: ur a sick piece of shit

Duo: No, I eat shit.

L3g0laS: fuck u fag

Duo: Wanna give me a blowjob? I pay well!

L3g0laS: FUCK U I'M LEAVING SICK FAG!!!!!!!!

Duo: Hello, welcome to ICQ!


End file.
